Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
