your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
