i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
