He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
