im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
