my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
