Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
