I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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