I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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