I've blown a few things in my day
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
