hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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