he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
