Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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