Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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