Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
cat food counts as protein by the way
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
