I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
