dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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