Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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