half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
