hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
