I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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