I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
