good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
