I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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