May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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