stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
