Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
