i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
