I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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