Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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