Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
