My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
