Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
