Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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