My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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