new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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