Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
