This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
