went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My dick has a subreddit
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
