...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
