you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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