I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
