New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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