i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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