Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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