I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
