I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
