Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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