I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
