The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Semen is not good for contacts.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
