does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
